EP. 34: Coffee Chat with Ashley Barger
Life, Death, and the Lessons We Learn | Coffee Chat with My Publicist
In this episode, I sit down with my publicist for an honest and heartfelt conversation about life, death, faith, and the little pearls of wisdom I’ve learned from my patients over the years. It’s a refreshing change of pace, enjoying a hot cup of coffee and catching up. We dive deep into the effects of stress on our bodies, the pressures we put on ourselves to be perfect, and how some of these tendencies may be passed down through generations.
We also reflect on where we are in life, reaching the stage where we’re now caring for our parents—something many of you might relate to. This is a raw and real discussion about the things that matter most, and we hope you’ll feel like a fly on the wall as you listen in.
Grab your own cup of coffee and join us in this intimate chat. And don’t forget—I’d love to hear your thoughts and what you would’ve added to the conversation if you’d been right here with us!
Show Notes
0:00:00
This is cozy. I like the answer. So yeah, um... So, hopefully... This is fun. This is fun! I can't believe... Yay!
0:00:19
So we'll see. You look nice, by the way. It's been a wild week. We actually had a death in the family on Monday. She was like a mother figure to us. Yeah. Mostly to Zach growing up and then I kind of married into the relationship and then like a grandma to our kids. She had an aneurysm. So we are all kind of recovering from that. It's just been a weird week. Oh that's heavy. How old was she? I think mid-60s, 65-ish.
0:00:55
So, yep. Aneurysms run in the family? I didn't even know aneurysms could run in a family. Oh, they do! Actually, they run in our family. So if you have a history of autoimmune, you're more likely to have aneurysms. Because the connective tissue is so stretchy.
0:01:11
So yeah. So my mom has an aneurysm in her heart. Oh, she already knows. Oh yeah, she knows it. Two of my uncles have had aneurysm surgeries. Oh my gosh.
0:01:23
Yeah, so we- In similar areas or different? No, abdominal. Yeah, all different areas. I've heard of individuals with abdominal aneurysms having surgery and then-
0:01:33
Yeah, and a lot of times you find them like doing imaging of the back because of back pain. So not directly looking for them. My mom, she found because she was having heart palpitations. So yeah, they're just they monitor every year to see if it's growing. But the brain stuff, that's weird. I think yeah a lot of times with migraines you don't, unless the doctor runs imaging, you don't pick up on that. Right. And they're fast. Yeah.
0:01:56
Yeah craziest is she finished her sentence and then just fell over. That was it. That was it. Which I'm thinking if if I have to die that's the way to go. Lights out. Yeah done. Done. Fast. Thank God she had that strong faith. I agree. Everybody agrees. It's a huge blessing that she put God first right? It is. Despite all that. Always has. And her husband is the same. I know isn't that... I mean what? I know I've heard of I heard a lot of people say that. Anybody who I tell, I don't tell a lot of people that little story, but anybody I've told they're like he gave you that. Yeah, if I have to choose the way that I'm going to go, that's probably one of my top ways.
0:02:49
Just overnight. Or in my sleep, or just house. I don't know that we get to choose. I know! I know. That's a stupid guy. Yeah.
0:03:00
That's for sure. Yeah. Anyway, so how's your week been? It's been good! It's been good. The clinic's been very busy. Good.
0:03:07
It's good. It's a blessing. Teaching's been going well, so just hectic. Hectic finding that new home-work balance. So everyone's adjusting. One of my patients, so fun little pearls that I pick up from my patients, he actually has Parkinson's, and I've seen him for quite a few years.
0:03:35
He mentioned that prior to his diagnosis he actually had a little mini stroke. And he believed, he did the research himself, that it was caused by urethritol. Yeah, he used a sweetener that was cut with urethritol. And I said, no, I haven't heard of that. So I got home Tuesday night and I looked
0:03:54
and there's some studies that have come out last year that shows urethritol can cause blood clots. Which of course can cause strokes and heart attacks. So why are we not talking about this? And then how many different things now have that as an ingredient as a sweetener alternative? Because it's a healthier, right, so we always talk about that good, better, and best. Yeah. So it's a sugar alcohol, so
0:04:18
there's xylitol that they use for the teeth because it's supposed to prevent dental caries, urethritol, and malitol. We've known for years that the worst things that they can do supposedly is cause GI upset because they're sugar alcohols. Yeah. They can ferment. Yeah. But this is huge. That is huge. And then so what makes, what limits it and the other sugar alcohols don't like malitol or xylitol, right? Yeah. I can't even imagine the difference. Yeah. Huge. Yeah. So that's a big one. Oh my gosh. Which is why I love practicing and teaching because I pick up so much from everybody
0:04:54
else. I like how you said that, a pearl from one of my patients. I like that. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, no, I researched it and I read about that. I'm like, are you sure? It's not like, you know, a neurotoxin or something. He's like, no, it was your esophageal. I'm like, okay. He was right. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And I haven't seen that in any of the you know cliff notes medical cliff notes that I get mm-hmm crazy medical journals and I read fiction yeah yeah I get that yeah I listen to audiobooks yeah that's what I've been
0:05:31
doing lately audio books podcast yep that's about it top podcast for you I'm still hooked on that ambio podcast mm-hmm I'm trying to prepare mentally to go down there in January so I'm trying to gain as much information from them now as I can it's interesting because they have you meet with a health coach good and do mental health training before you go down there so that's the top one and Rogan. I know, the best. I think what I love about Rogan, I've decided, is I feel like I could go talk to him right now and he would treat me the same way as he treats
0:06:17
any podcast guest. And I think that's what's cool about podcasts in general, the good ones. It feels like an open dialogue. It's not like an interview necessarily. It's more of a conversation back and forth. I don't know, it captivates me. Yeah, yeah, my husband turned me on to him years ago and then Sean Ryan, right? And I saw last night Sean Ryan is number one in the world of podcasting. I feel like he and Joe Rogan go back to back. Don't they rotate a little? Like who's the number one? Yeah this is the first time that Sean Ryan's been number one. Oh it is?
0:06:59
Like he was just on Rogan. Yes I'm sure that helped. That probably helped but yeah they're so similar. So yeah both those guys are fantastic. Yep. What about you? What are you listening to? It's not like you for research or medical interests, although I do listen to similar podcasts as you do. It just depends on my mindset and where I am. But I love the armchair expert, Dax Shepard.
0:07:25
I love the way he is. Again, I feel like it's always a conversation I'm just peeking in. Or I'm over here listening to them going back and forth and the people he gets to interview now I know that doesn't happen right away. I Mean he's been doing it for is it seven eight years now. Oh, yeah, so he's it's been a while well conditioned with it Well, and but the and the types of guests that he has on are people that I'm interested in hearing about its musicians
0:07:56
Which any kind of music I love listening to their backstory. Hollywood stars love their backstories because if I'm reading too and I'm not listening to a podcast I enjoy memoirs or autobiographies or biographies and I like listening to the backstory of how somebody got to wherever they are. So and I like it not just Hollywood and musicians but I mean scientists I guess a lot of them are Hollywood. So what's your favorite one he's interviewed?
0:08:29
Oh my gosh. Would you say, between like musician and Hollywood, like who surprised you the most with their backstory? Hmm, surprised me? None of them surprised me because it's like, you know that when you're in the limelight like that, your life is a mess and you're covering it up constantly right like where people expect you to cover it up because you're supposed to be perfect
0:08:55
the whole perfection thing has Been interesting to me Probably for the last decade Because I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect and in everything in Life for me. I always think that I have to be this perfect thing. And I think in listening to some, you know, the people that you have interviewed and then even before,
0:09:22
you know, when I was your patient and things, the things you've told me, stress has so much to do with what you're feeling and going through. And I mean that physically. I don't mean mentally even. I mean like gut issues. I used to perform on stage. I did dance for 20 years and I did show choir and performances like that. I remember having diarrhea. I had to run to the bathroom before performing. I was like, well that's weird. That's something I'm not telling anybody. But also like 20 years ago. Yes, right, right. We weren't talking about that
0:10:05
stuff. No, we weren't talking about that stuff. No. Sharing any of that. And growing up my family doesn't like to talk about anything any ailments anything they're going through like that. Right. Nothing medical nothing too personal. It's so I'm sure that kind of fed into the whole you know rising above and being perfect. Right. So over the last 10 years I've been undoing that. Let's undo that. Let's not, we don't have to do that. And the more I undo it, I think, the better I feel. Now I'm also getting older and other things have come up but... Well
0:10:38
you're probably happier too. I think, I think, I think so. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. That's the goal. Well it's, yeah, I mean I think you and I were raised very similar. And I don't know if it's a generational thing that our parents wanted to have that perfect persona with their kids. Maybe. Because, yeah. I don't know.
0:11:01
I wouldn't think of pushing that perfectionism onto my kids these days. No. Like, I just want them to be outdoors, I want them to be happy, do what they love, and be close to God. Like, top priority is. That's it. And let's talk about it. I want to talk about everything. I feel like I didn't talk a lot growing up. No! You need to check in.
0:11:22
I have some anxious boys in some regards. And some of the things they do or how they retreat from situations, I see in the way I did things as a kid. And it breaks my heart first, but then second, I'm like, we can work through this together. So I share with them, hey, I understand how you're feeling because I used to do that too. And they always say, you did? Yes, I did.
0:11:49
I was a kid too. I'm not some, again, not this perfect, which is the way I think I still see my parents as these perfect examples, but they're not I mean I'm as old as my parents are in my mind's eye now like to me my parents will always be 38 I don't know why they just always will but I'm that age now and I realize I have no idea I'm just reading and taking in information and trying to put my own path together. That's it. And that's what they did too. I know that. I know they didn't
0:12:30
know what they were doing because that's ridiculous. None of us do. No. We're all faking it until we make it. Yes. You know?
0:12:38
Yes. And I just want less fake, more authentic in everything I do. Right. Well, don't forget too, there's that epigenetic component with your kids inheriting that reaction too. Of course, Ms. Scientist. You know? Healthcare professional.
0:12:50
So it's not it's or just how they're feeling it's truly some of that just is genetic yeah I even noticed like some of my mannerisms my mom would always like how would she do it like this with her hand and then I go to do that like oh my god no because it drove me nuts but like yeah those traits like we can't help it. No, it hurts me that or from our grandparents, you know Yeah, so that's cool that you're starting to unravel and unravel it to heal to heal
0:13:23
Yeah, and I think that's what our generation is trying to do. I do too now that we're aware of all of that Yeah, yeah, I think that's I think everybody's kind of reaching for more authenticity, right? Yeah, so yeah, it was funny I don't think I even told you so last week Speaking of family and genetics my mom fell so my mom's 82 Right my dad had Parkinson's she took care of him
0:13:50
against all of our better recommendations And for years I try to get them to move up here because you know they put their house, they're still on the farm. Like where are they? I'm sorry. Youngstown. Okay. Yeah.
0:14:05
So that's like where they're comfortable. And I get that. But now that my dad has been gone for about two years, my mom's still taking care of chickens. She's doing all of this stuff by herself, living alone. So last week she fell, poor thing.
0:14:19
She fell in the chicken coop, broke her arm, dragged herself halfway up the gravel driveway and laid there overnight. How far away are your brothers? We're all three hours. Three and a half. Yep. So three of us are in northeast direction, one of us is south. Yeah. My aunt, who lives at the end of the driveway where my grandma used to live, noticed that her garage door was open. It's like, oh, that's weird for Shirley.
0:14:45
Like, she's usually not up at seven in the morning and found her in the driveway and my mom was pissed that she called the ambulance because she's like just get me in the house, just get me in the house, clean me up, I'm fine. So she was just a bear in the hospital like not wanting to be there, not wanting to be taken care of, she had surgery, she's doing great, refused to do assisted living, so is now home and we all have care coming in to
0:15:16
take care of her. So she's doing better but it's that just accepting that new phase of life right or just knowing that you're a little bit weak. So she yeah she's very stubborn so but she kind of inherited that from my grandmother. Yeah so like when I am stubborn I noticed that with my husband I'm like okay let's just take a step back like it's so fast like reassess yeah like try to break that cycle yeah crazy hard crazy but I remember because
0:15:51
I facetimed her last week and she was kind of being mean to one of the nurses just asking questions you know yeah why am I getting this blood work done and I'm like mom's gonna do her job. She's like Heather I'm like you should be a little bit nicer. She's like Heather. You don't know what I've been through I'm like I understand that but like like her whole life I'm like that doesn't give you the right to be mean other people yeah, you know like I like sometimes of that generation to their
0:16:16
They justify their actions mm-hmm like I was just doing the best I could raising you or you know I've been through Let's just take a step back and think about that. Yes, with the you who is hopefully healed, react the same way. Right, right, right. Yeah. So anyway, she's doing better, but that was interesting. Oh, mom. Oh my gosh. I just don't like this. I don't, I'm not accepting this new phase.
0:16:48
It's hard. I mean we're starting to take care of our parents, maybe you sooner than me. I just, our neighbors are all elderly and I've been, we've been helping too with some of our neighbors recently and I'm just like... Well we're in that age range and I got a message from one of my high school friends because she has ones that are out of school for the most part. Okay. And she's having menopause symptoms. I'm like, oh no, no, no.
0:17:17
Like, I just had a baby, you're in perimenopause, and then we have some friends that are grandparents our age. So like, we're in that weird age range where, how do you navigate that? Great question. I don't know.
0:17:30
There's no handbook. There is no handbook. I think having good people in your life, sounding boards. Right, for sure. Not keeping it bottled up,
0:17:41
yeah, talking about it, not pushing it under the rug. Right, yeah, yeah, I hope everyone has at least a couple of sounding boards, whether it's their partner, friends, co-workers, somebody. Right. You need good sounding boards. Absolutely. Can't figure it all out by yourself. No, and talking about it you know yeah being open yeah being open looking for help looking for ways to not over strain yourself yeah you know which is not trying to do everything be everything right yeah sounding boards are
0:18:16
important so I have a gift for you oh yeah it's sort of a gift for you and I think our listeners okay I'm surprising you with it. I love it. I'm very excited. Love it. I'm so excited.
0:18:30
Okay. Oh my gosh, I love it. Do you read it? Non-toxic! Cute! Look at that!
0:18:36
That's really cute! I love it. So, they had this there? At Hand in Hong Kong on Main Street, yes. How appropriate is that? So I thought you should have one and we
0:18:51
should give one away we should and it's so soft it is really soft you know I love I don't know if I'm getting older or I'm a mom now I love I know like throwing on hats and hoodies man oh it's that I love hoodies. I still have hoodies from like 20 years ago. Which are the best ones? It's hard to find good hoodies now because they're so stiff and starchy and aww so comfy. Yes. I'm obsessed.
0:19:24
I'm obsessed. I think they're so cute. That's great. I love that. I know I'm excited. Perfect. That'll be something fun. Well thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you very much. I couldn't resist. It's so you. Non-toxic. Do they have any other clothes there? I think they had a few other hats that were also cute.
0:19:47
Obviously I've gifted you some of her goat's milk lotion. Oh I love her goat's milk lotion. Flynn always brings that and wants a back rub at the end of the night. Oh I love that kids want that. And boys. I love our lovey boys. boys yeah boys are nice boys are sweeties I don't get the girl side yet but you know it's fun it's fun it's fun to dress her up sure she's a little drama yeah she's a little drama like mom sometimes mm-hmm
0:20:15
stands her ground yeah I told Colin the other day like I honestly I wasn't thrilled to have a girl because I'm the only girl but now like that God gave me a girl, I can't imagine having any other girl than her. Because she is miss independent, she's not a snuggly little thing, she'll snuggle on her own terms. Oh my god, she's so cute. And I love that she's sandwiched now between brothers.
0:20:42
They're all going to take care of each other, but also brothers will take care of her. But anytime you need a girlfriend, let me know. Oh, I will. Yes, I will. And I will let you know because I've already done that with my neighbors. They went homecoming dress shopping. I got to go.
0:20:56
It was fun just to be a fly on the wall and give her, when she asked me for advice, I'm like... Aww, I love that. I know, it was fun. It was fun. Yeah, and I get to escape. Exactly. Escape all the boys.
0:21:13
Yes, they're great too, but it was fun. Well thank you, thank you for this. You're welcome. Yeah, their lotion is fantastic. I'll have to check them out again. It's fun.
0:21:23
She always has new things in there. It's sort of the whole apothecary thing, so not everything is stuff she's made. She brings in local, some really cool jewelry. I think it's a new artist she has in there. I could be wrong, but anyway, some newer stuff that I thought was kind of cool like half moons and I don't know, I really liked them. Cute. I'll put that in there.
0:21:44
It's fun. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I'll have to do this again next week. Okay. Let's do it. It's so funny, I helped with another podcast and they had me go on and I'm like,
0:21:55
what is this new trend with me going on, I'm supposed to be behind the camera. Yeah. Sometimes it's nice to deflect, not have all the attention on you. Yeah, it is. You have different energy coming in. I like energy. I like all the different energy. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Cool..
Transcribed with Cockatoo